Two and a half years ago I made the biggest leap of faith, that to some, might seem small, but to me changed my life forever.
For most of my life I have not been myself. I was scared, angry, resentful, and unhappy. I followed every other path I could find, I listened to everyone else, I was your best friends perfect wing man, never turning down going out on a Friday night. I had what would seem like the perfect life, college graduate, a boyfriend, house on the water, a boat, great job, but something was still missing. I was angry, scared, resentful and unhappy. I knew something was not right. I began to cry and pray at night to be happy, no matter what it took or how bad it would hurt. Shorty after, my boyfriend proposed, and I said yes. Immediately I felt that something was not right, I should be happy, but I wasn’t. The thought of marriage seemed so distant. I decided to leave, which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. That life, is the only life I knew.
Almost immediately I met someone else whom seemed to fill the void I was missing. He loved me, paid attention to me and wanted to be with me. This only lasted for so long, until my emptiness came creeping back, the arguments started, and I was spinning out of control. How could this be? Something is not right, I have everything I was missing in my last relationship, how come I am still unhappy? The questions began, who’s fault was it, was it him or me? It wasn’t until I realized that I felt the exact same way as I did before that I knew it wasn’t anyone else but me and I had no clue what to do about it. I scoured through blogs, read books, and drove my self crazy trying to find any explanation as to what was wrong with me. It felt as if no one in my life understood and I was frustrated and tired of feeling this way. When my boyfriend was gone I practiced yoga at a studio to pass the time, which felt like everything at the time. I noticed a flyer for a lifestyle training class that advertised something of the sorts “Find your purpose in life”. That is exactly what I craved. I longed for some type of purpose and direction. The class started the very next day, panic struck and I thought of a million reasons why I can’t do it. I mulled it over until i heard the tiny whisper that was softly saying “screw it, go for it”. I listened to that voice.
Yoga and this lifestyle is teaching me to dig deep into my soul and open my wounded and protected heart and give it away for free to absolutely every single person, animal and thing in my path and that feels amazing. I am meeting myself for the first time and understanding her wants, needs and pain. I am giving her attention, love and nourishment that was for so long neglected. For once in my life I feel whole and excited for life. I can truly say I found myself.
It’s almost unbelievable to me the time and energy I have put into worry, anxiety and regret. I realize now that I have been engrained with shame, critical judgement, and the inability to love myself, do what I want and follow any type of passion. I have been lost my whole life. Realizing that no one else is responsible for my life and happiness but myself, has changed my life forever. We all have the choice every single second to be happy, inspired and motivated and that, to me, is the beauty of life. It sounds so cliche, but until you try it, you realize it not only is cliche, but true, and gets easier every day. I am thankful for everything in my life, especially for my struggles, boyfriend and yoga, I would not be here today without them. They say that in the toughest times is where you find light, and for that I am grateful.
I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this type of journey, which is why I hope to connect and learn from others to continue to grow and be inspired. I want to hear your stories and what makes you shine. If there is anything in this life that I can do, it is to be the best version of myself and be inspired.
Namaste
Lindsey
